Snipers & Zingers - Part II

This is the second part of a two-part blog.

The Zinger

If you haven't read the previous installment you might want to check that out before going further. Let's talk about zingers. Zingers are those loaded one liners we sling at someone with intent to injure. Not as deadly as the snipe, the zing is an effective way to diminish or demean the recipient, but with some subtlety. The versatile zing can be used both offensively and defensively, publicly and privately, making it very popular with couples. I witness many zingers in marital therapy.

My picture for the zinger is the Chinese ninja throwing star. Didn't know there was such a thing? Well, a throwing star is a sharpened, disc-like weapon you whirl at your opponent--kind of like a mini saw blade, a lethal Frisbee. 

Less deadly than the snipe, the verbal zinger also makes an ideal hit-and-run weapon and can be used quite effectively from behind in a group setting like the workplace. In fact, true zingmasters can throw so quickly and deftly that you may not realize you were zinged until you later discover the deadly Christmas ornament lodged somewhere in your back. I call this popular model the Deft Star. You know, it's that "humorous comment" that is barbed with malevolence but discreet enough so as to provide plausible deniability for the one doing the zinging: "Just kidding, ha ha ha" or "Oh, I didn't really mean it" or even flat out denial, "I didn't say that." Just try and pin their nasty zing on these ninja masters of duck and dodge!

The Sarcasm Star is another popular model with both men and women. Ouch! You know when you're hit with this one as it lodges in the tender flesh of your ego. Will you laugh it off? Will you zing back? Will you unsheathe your sword and escalate the match to the next level?

Seriously though, zingers don't usually kill instantaneously but over time create what I call a "foxhole relationship" where each party digs in, creating a defensive position--a foxhole--where they can pop up from time to time and shoot at each other or lob the occasional grenade (pardon my mixing of metaphors). Zingers always damage intimacy and hinder more sensitive dialogue about the real issues that motivate the zings. Habitual zinging leads to more serious sniping with the bullets of contempt (see previous blog). 

So why do we do it? Well, often we are using an offensive tactic defensively to keep the other at a distance and off balance. We feel threatened or we feel angry; we feel hurt and sad but unsafe to display or talk about these more poignant and vulnerable emotions. When I confront couples or parent/child dyads about their zinging they are sometimes unaware of how much they are engaging in this dysfunctional communication style but more often they shift to the "I do because you do!" "No, I do because you do!" "You started it!" "No, you started it!" chicken or the egg argument. Assigning blame to the original offender is usually impossible and not awfully useful anyway. 

The point (no pun intended) is that the attack/defend dynamic has to stop--a truce called--if two individuals are going to create or restore a loving and intimate connection. Zinging activates defenses, period. It is impossible to hear or be heard when we are in zing mode. We are too busy defending and formulating our next argument to hear anything except threat. Until we understand and gently expose the roots of the real relationship issues, things like pain, fear, anger, sadness, insecurity, old relationship models, pride, resentment, and our own unfinished emotional business from the past, we will have a very slim chance of experiencing the flow of love we long to give and receive.

The cure is both simple and difficult. Stop sniping and zinging by learning to say what you mean--what's really going on at a more vulnerable level. Learn to listen deeply to yourself and to the other person, especially at the emotional level. Seek marriage counseling and personal therapy if necessary. Above all, ask God for the gift of grace and love to fill your heart. Remember that change is nearly always a process.

My apologies to all the good ninjas out there.

 Copyright 2011 John D. Deyo, M.A., MFT