This Metaphor comes out of a picture I got when working with a client some years ago. He found it very helpful and I have since used it effectively in therapy and in my own life.
The Plaque in Your Den
Some of you are lucky enough to have a special room in your domicile that is just your own--your books, your hobbies, your favorite chair, your pictures, your taste, your ambiance. It’s your den…it's you. (Okay, maybe it’s an art studio, a craft or music room, or your garage.) If you have a lock on the door it may feel like a place to escape everyone else's demands and impositions. I think we all have such a place inside where our true, innermost self resides without mask or pose. Most of us keep it pretty well guarded. It usually hides some secrets and some pain.
So I want you to go there in your mind’s eye now and look around this inner sanctum. Oh look, on the wall; something you have become so accustomed to that it has, in effect, become invisible to you. There, behind the big chair, just above it and to the left. It’s a plaque. (Okay, I know, plaques saw their heyday in the 60’s and 70’s and you would not be caught dead with a plaque on YOUR wall, but humor me here.)
This plaque is not about golf, or tennis, or fishing, or gardening, or Norwegians, nor is it a pious platitude or humorous quote. Go ahead, move in closer and notice the somewhat faded lettering. Perhaps you wince or maybe chuckle as it dawns on you that the words are, for all practical purposes, your motto, your core belief about yourself. Maybe you even remember printing the words there yourself but maybe not. Maybe they were inspired by others. Perhaps they were written by others and hung there without your consent…long ago. What do you feel as you read them?
So what does it say? “Loved No Matter What” or “Loved When I Am Good”? “Of Inestimable Worth” or “I’m Never Enough”? “I Belong Here” or “I’ll Never Fit In”? “God is For Me” or “I am Ever a Disappointment”. You get the gist; what does your plaque say? Is it a family motto passed from generation to generation? Is it what you want to define you and guide your life? Most importantly, is it really the truth or just so old, so familiar, so often reinforced that you have come to embrace it’s validity without even thinking or daring to challenge it’s edict? The words certainly FEEL true…but what if they aren’t? What if they are quite distorted?
I have had some life-squelching mottos hanging in my den and I know it feels almost sacrilegious to even think about pulling those suckers off the wall and replacing them. Maybe it’s a process. Maybe it is unrealistic to yank “I’m A Loser” off the wall and tack up “#1 Winner”—too hard to swallow. But what about something more embraceable, more transitional to begin with? Yes, yank “I’m A Loser” off the wall (immediately) but start by replacing it with...hmmm; maybe “I’m Here for a Reason”. Room to grow, right?
God spoke to me some years ago about changing my motto—my name if you will—from “Ever Anxious” to “Laughing Trust”. My first reaction was “That’s beautiful”. My second reaction was “Yeah, right.” The transformation is still in progress--a journey of transitions. My current plaque? Well maybe “I’m Learning to Trust”. I like that.
I hope your theme is life-giving but I know all too well that this may not be the case. If you need help doing some internal “redecorating” talk to someone that cares about you. Tell them what’s going on. Ask them to support you in changing out that crappy old plaque.
Copyright 2014 John D. Deyo, M.A., LMFT
