METAPHORIA

A Crisis of Listening

Recent acts of angry violence in our nation and the subsequent national discussion around mental health--have set me pondering not only about these unthinkable acts themselves, but about the responses they have evoked.  It seems clear to me that events like these make us feel so powerless, so out of control, that our immediate reaction is to rise up with a great flurry of sometimes-colliding can and must DO something.  We must be able to stop this from ever happening again.  We believe that if we can just take the right steps we CAN control it and eradicate such tragedies: Register and monitor the mentally ill, create tougher gun control laws and enforce them, arm teachers, post armed sharpshooters in every school, install bulletproof glass and safe rooms in every public building, build giant electromagnets to suck all the guns out of every home in every city.  We are Americans, for crying out loud, we know how to solve problems, right!? 

ideas and resolve that we

Maybe all this convulsing to DO something NOW springs from our deep discomfort with the fact that life—especially the realities of evil and mortality—is often quite outside our ability to control in the way we perhaps delude ourselves into thinking we can, especially here in the U.S.  I mean, can’t a Clint Eastwoodesque character just ride coolly into town and get rid of the bad guys, fix the problem?  The answer is no.  That is not in any way to imply that we should not try to do all we can to insure safety—especially of our children—whenever and however possible. We should.  At some level, though, we are going to have to accept that there is no way to guarantee things of this nature will not continue happening.    Mass, senseless shootings are now a ready option for the sick mind to consider, plan, and carry out. Once long standing internal and societal taboos are broken down they are nearly impossible to restore, like trying to repack Pandora's box.

I too would like to find a “solution” to the awful quandary presented us by such tragedies.  I have no grand scheme to resolve it.  I wish I were that wise and clever.  All I can do is offer my own little corner of perspective as a mental health professional.  First of all, it is impossible for even highly skilled and experienced mental health professionals to predict dangerous behaviors with 100% accuracy.  Even if they could that would not account for individuals who are not in or seeking treatment for their problems. Secondly, not everyone who does these things is “crazy;” sick—probably; really, really angry—likely, but not necessarily insane in the forensic psychology use of that term.  Beside this, many individuals who have diagnosed/diagnosable mental disorders do not and will not pose a resultant threat to anyone.  Do you want to be on the “Crazies List” because you have suffered from depression?  Me either.

That said, I do have one suggestion for us as a society.  We desperately need to learn to be better listeners.  I mean real listening, deep listening.  Not just hearing words, not distracted quasi-attention, not judging, and not using what the other says as a springboard for you to defend yourself or tell your tale or make your point.  It is not an easy or natural skill to learn and employ but we need to cultivate more of it (but not too much or I will be out of a job).  When is the last time you felt deeply heard, seen and valued in a conversation? I will bet it has been a while.

Powerful listening is a skill and an art.  It is rarely naturally intuitive for us to listen well.  In the increasingly narcissistic climate fostered by social media most of us are becoming poorer listeners. We are much more interested in showcasing our own life, interests, and ideas.

The fundamental magic that therapists offer their clients is something we all long for: to be deeply heard, seen, and valued.  The effectiveness of helpful therapy always starts with and centers on listening.  I can’t help but wonder if some of those who have resorted to violence might have been screaming for someone to really hear and see and value them (and not just mental health professionals).  I know from experience with clients wrestling with anger control problems that the helpless feeling of not being heard or understood can be a powerful trigger for anger.  They resort to rage in an attempt to get someone to hear what they really mean, feel, and need. Raging to control is a very infantile strategy but effective in its own dysfunctional way. (Think of the power of a raging, screaming baby to make great big adults jump into action to figure out what Junior wants or needs).

It is interesting that one of the primary feelings evoked in us over senseless violence is that terrible feeling of helplessness.  Maybe such perpetrators have succeeded in making us feel what they felt, even if they were doing so unconsciously.  Might, just might, there have been a possibility that they would have changed course if someone had taken the time to “get them,” if someone had been listening—really listening?  Perhaps not, but what if?  I say it is worth the effort to become better listeners. What if by listening a caring soul hears and responds to a dangerous and primal scream that is ready to explode in a violent expression of helpless rage?  Maybe there will be a different ending next time, one we won't hear about in the news.

Copyright 2015 John D. Deyo, M.A., LMFT